When I turn 50

When I turn 50 years old, where will I be?
I stop counting the years when I fulfilled my goals.
I stop dreaming when I couldn’t wake up from nightmares.
I stop looking when I started wearing glasses.
My hair is starting to change to white.
Yet I am still in my late 30’s.
Years from now, am I still be sitting alone?
Years from now, am I still eating alone?
Years from now, will I still wait for you?

The promise you’ll be by my side.
The promise that I will be carrying your name.
But as selfish as I am, I don’t want to share it with the fruits of your first wife.
Will it be worth it to wait until I reach 50?
But I’ve said my farewell.
And gave you back to be their tree again.

When I turn 50, I will be with nature.
Where I could be with green and life.
And if I am destined to fall again, I’ll make sure to take care of my tree.
Make him my home.
Have a happy bee house.
Noises of beautiful little birds that will make our lives wonderful.
Yet right now, I am holding on to your memories miles and miles away.

When I turn 50, will I still be alive?
Will I still write?
Will I continue writing my favorite story?
Will I still be able to hold my pen?
Will I still know my name?
My future, I am scared.
Thinking of an invisible line.
Will I walk a beautiful path?
Or will I be heading to a dark tunnel?
and will never see the light forever.

When I turn 50, will I ever see my children grow into beautiful flowers?
Or will I ever have little butterflies?
Will I have a castle hidden behind the forest of love?
Or just a nightmare I couldn’t fight,
A curse I couldn’t break.
A battle I couldn’t win.
A fight against myself that keeps on hurting me.
Will I be the vampire I’m longing to be?
Or will I stay a human being, weak and broken?

When I turn 50, I will be happy to see the world still smiling.
That peace we finally obtain.
That wars will no longer be in the dictionary.
That greed will never be known.
That respect will unite everyone.
That we could understand each other even if we speak different languages.
That love will rise behind all of our differences.
When I turn 50, the Earth will still be part of the Universe.
That we have won the battle against Global warming.
That world leaders have finally understood our goal.
That we fought so hard for the Earth to remain alive and round.

When I turn 50, I see myself enjoying the sunset on the beach with the man I am longing to find.
The man that had the key to my heart when I was about to turn into my 40’s.
The man that had save me from giving up my life.
Oh, I wish it will come true.
When I turn 50, I will hold the hands of my wrinkled man.
Remembering and trying to remember all the memories of yesterday.
When I turn 50 …
And only if I turn 50 …

For my 50th post.

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