< The Beginning >
‘Ouch,’ I fell from my bed. Having a bad dream again. This time I saw someone drowned. I cannot see his face, but I saw how he screamed for his life. I can’t remember why I was there, but he pulled me out of the shore, I stumbled and the next thing I know, I’m on the floor. I tried to go back to sleep but I just stared at the wall until I heard my alarm. Another day of sleepless nights. I always have nightmares, but I’ve learned to just ignore them even though most of the time I’m scared of sleeping.
When I was a kid, my parents would always tell me that nightmares are not real, that they will not be going to hurt me. Since then, I had a hard time sleeping and my parents had to see experts when all the methods of comforting can’t help me go back to sleep. I was just a kid and monsters wanting to eat me was the scariest thing a kid would ever dream of. I feared the dark and I always sleep with lights on. Until I reach my teenage years, I stopped attending my doctor’s appointment as I already know how to face my fear of sleeping and dreaming. <And so, I thought.> I finally understand what my parents or my doctor words that dreams are not real. Though, I still sleep with the lights on. I ignore my dreams and what it tells me to do. I keep on telling myself that it’s just nightmares and it will not hurt me.
But I was wrong. I cannot just ignore it. It’s affecting me.
My dream is not just nightmares. It’s telling me something I cannot understand.
I am now living with my sister while she attends college. She asked if it’s okay for her to stay in my place until she graduated from the university and I’d say, of course, but that was five years ago and she’s still living in my place. I know my mom had asked her to stay in my place to spy on me. No, just kidding. But I know the reason why she’s still staying in my place. My family is still worried about me having nightmares. I am not a person who sleepwalks or talk while sleeping. I have a sleep paranoia that sometimes it affects me so much that I don’t want to sleep anymore because I’m scared of having bad dreams again despite, I keep on telling myself that my dreams are not real. I never mention to my family my worries about sleeping, but my sister found out about it when she saw that I have dark lines and that I am always spacing out. She’s been silently observing me since the day she moved in. One incident was my family had to force me to sleep with pills or inject something on me so I will sleep. I guess that’s the worst thing that had to happen to me. So, my sister never leaves my place. I did not attend any of my doctor’s appointments because I don’t want to keep on talking about my nightmares. I had enough of talking when they couldn’t understand it. Or I just couldn’t understand it.
I am scared of just closing my eyes because I might see something I don’t want to see. I kept it on myself on what I saw in one of my dreams. I shouldn’t have tried to understand my nightmares. I shouldn’t have tried to see the meaning of it. Now, I have to pretend I did not have any bad dreams. I tried to ignore my nightmares, so it does not affect me. But one dream had opened my eyes and I saw it. In some of my dreams, if it’s too dark, I tried to forget about it. I trained myself not to remember anything about my nightmares just like what my doctor had said. But not all my dreams. Some of them, I just cannot forget easily.
In one of my nightmares, I was in a car and I saw a man and a woman having the best ride of their life. I think I saw directly in the woman’s eyes the smile of her man. And the next thing I know, their car collided with an approaching truck. And I was there standing looking at their lifeless body. Their happy faces were filled with blood and shattered glasses. I think I know them, but I couldn’t remember their faces because I had to forget about that nightmare as fast I could think of. I don’t want to remember that nightmare because I felt their pain and I saw the smile on their faces fading. A couple of days after I had that dream, I went on a road trip with my sister and her boyfriend. We were having so much fun and my sister kept on telling us we should go to a bar after a long road trip. I remember the sun was finally giving its last shine, a beautiful sunset. Then, a truck had overtaken our car. It overtakes another car in front of us and another car. And I think the driver did not know that he’s approaching a curve road, or he was just in a hurry to go home. And that’s how I remember my dream again a couple of nights ago. There was a road accident ahead of us. My sister’s boyfriend had to stop the car forcefully, so we won’t collide with the car in front who had suddenly stop. Just like in my dream, I saw the man and woman’s lifeless body again and I finally remember their faces. The woman is my ex-boyfriend’s newest girlfriend and she’s having a fun road trip with my ex. Luckily, the paramedics saved them, and they survived the accident as well as the truck’s driver, but their lives were not the same anymore. I know, when my ex had chosen to leave me and be with that woman, I wanted something bad to happen to him but not the same as what I’d saw in my nightmares.
I never even bother to visit him even though some of our friends wanted me to check on him because I felt the guilt of thinking bad things about him when he left me and be with his woman. I tried to tell myself that it was just a coincidence. That my nightmares are not real. But I have problems sleeping since that incident and my friends thought because I had witnessed a tragic accident. My sister still have the trauma and I went for a vacation for a couple of days. But it never stops me from having nightmares. I tried everything to erase it. Some of my nightmares came true just like how I dream about that car accident, but I just had to ignore it because if I will not, I will die due to lack of sleeping and I don’t want to worry my family again.
But there is this nightmare I still can’t understand why I keep on dreaming about this guy whom I cannot see his face clearly and he is always drowning.