The drive to keep going.
I sleep more than I should be yet when it is time to sleep, I couldn’t fall, when I shouldn’t sleep, I sleep for hours. When I wake up, all I think is to sleep again the whole day. And when the night comes, I am wide awake. What is wrong with me? My body is getting tired, and my mind couldn’t think anymore. My heart stops beating, and I get nervous all the time, yet I couldn’t stop myself from drinking my coffee. I tried to calm myself, but I couldn’t stop having a panic attack. I tried to catch my breath, but I couldn’t. I cried without any reason. And I keep on crying without stopping. I think I cried all my tears because my eyes dried up.
I will not be going to use a third person’s point of view because this is my point of view. This is what I have become. I tried to heal myself and I thought I could heal over time, but it gets worse. Every day, I tried to keep on going but I just stop living. I tried to write yet I couldn’t even find my first word. I tried to read books, but I couldn’t even understand every word. I checked on my playlist, and all the songs are in the sad genre. I even question God and ask him, what is the point of this? What is the purpose of my life if I am not living anymore?
I force myself to play games, but I get irritated if I lose. I played random movies on Netflix, but I keep on crying even if the movie is all about happy moments. Then, I just stared at the wall. I heard my phone ring, my father asked if I am okay and I said, I am fine. I checked on my messenger, my mom asked where I am, I said I am in my apartment. My sister asked me about her birthday gift, and I said I will buy it when I receive my salary on the 15th. I tried to act normal, normal as I could be. I tried to laugh and think I am okay. But my heart is bleeding and my head is burning. I am not sick, but I just don’t know what is going on with my life.
I tried to stop breathing but my bills keep on holding. Who will pay for my credit cards? Who will pay my family’s bill? Who will pack my things if I die? Who will pay for my apartment? I needed to continue working because who will help my family if I am not around. Then, I laugh while crying. Suddenly, I have a hard time catching my breath. I hold on to my heart and said please calm down. I wipe my tears and close my eyes for a while until I calm down. After that, I burst my evil laugh because I don’t have the reason to end my life as my expenses will haunt me down to the afterlife and will not going to allow me to rest until I paid all of it. How funny it could be that I still think of my expenses when I wanted to let go of my life and not thinking that I just loan this life from the God of all.
Anyway, just like what I have said in my monthly report, I am broken and I still am. I tried to distract myself from sadness. I bought books so they will help my brain. I tried to listen to happy songs so my heart will heal. But it only landed in a state of depression. And depression has no country, knows no one but broken self, has no race or religion, even the strong ones can be depressed but only the weak will be summoned to stop breathing. I guess I am weak, but I always think of my family and expenses that drive me to keep on going and not to give up.
I am sorry if someone is reading this. I just needed to release something I couldn’t hold on to anymore. I have to keep on living. I will continue writing stories even if it’s so hard to find words and creating one sentence takes me a week to formulate. As I am writing this, my eyes wanted to sleep and I am scared I will not have the chance to open it again. To someone experiencing the same thing as me, we have to keep on living and think of something that drives us to breathe. Find something that will inspire us to enjoy life even if it’s too painful to smile. I am not the right person to advise someone, but I know how hard it is to fight depression and I am still fighting it. #Fighting
This is Ringo.
See You in my next post.
If you experience the same as I am, please don’t hesitate to talk to those professionals who are expert in this field.