Why she stays?
I was sitting on a bench one morning in the park near my place just to get some air and to clear my mind from stress when a woman sits beside me. She held a long sigh and keeps on doing it. I don’t know if she’s intentionally doing it to annoy me so I will leave and had the bench for her, or she’s just had a bad day like everybody else. So, I ignored her and her constant sighing. But it gets into my nerve that I can’t ignore it anymore. I wanted to leave and find another bench, but my inner self doesn’t want to, so I told her off. She smirked at me which startled and angered me. But then she said sorry with a sad voice. I looked into her eyes, crying but there were no tears, her eyes were so sad. Then she asked, ‘Have you been in a relationship you thought will have a happy ending?’
She continued sharing her story. She’s been in a relationship for a couple of years. She thought it’s the best relationship she had. He was not her first love, but he was the one who saved her from her first love who abused her. For years they’ve been together, he showed her nothing but love that she never had before, and she was so in love that she forgets to live her life. He became her priority. She sacrificed a lot for him. He helped her to start over again. She thought she was happy but then he became so obsessed and possessive of her. He never hurt her physically like in her previous relationship, but he got her mentally and emotionally.
She said she wasn’t allowed to go out with her friends without him. If he sees her talking to a guy, he gets so angry even if that guy was a stranger. But then, he would treat her and bring her to their favorite restaurant. It’s like nothing happens. Her phone is being checked by him. If she will post something on her social media, he should check and approve it first. She’s not allowed to change her password and it should be the same as him. But then she said, it’s fine with her because she said it’s his way of loving and showing her. If he sees she was tagged by her friends on Facebook, and she was standing or sitting beside a guy even if that guy was just a colleague, he got so angry, frustrated, and annoyed on the reason of her sitting or standing beside a guy.
All of her emails were checked by him. Her incoming calls were monitored by him. If there’s an unknown number, he would yell at her on why she’s giving her number to strangers. But she’s not allowed to even hold his phone. She’s not allowed to check on his emails or his social media. If she asked him who called him, he gets irritated easily. Then she said, he’s a good guy, a romantic guy.
He gives her everything, love, and security. For her, there is no other man who could give her what she has now even if it’s suffocating.
She’s not allowed to render overtime because he said why would she needs overtime; did she not do her job during working hours or was it just an excuse for her to do something else? He forced her to leave her job, but she didn’t because she needs a job, even though he can support her.
I asked her, are you two married?
She said, No.
Then why would you stay in that toxic relationship? I secondly asked her.
She said, ‘In love, there is no toxic relationship. No matter how difficult it is, when you love a person, all you see is happiness, scars become stars, whatever happens, it remains in the past’.
Then, why are you sad? I asked her again.
I don’t know, she said.
We argued last night, she continued. I told him I wanted some time and space, to think. He said all the words that I couldn’t bear to listen to. But all those words were the truth. He was the one who saved me. He was always there when I needed him. He supported me with everything and why would I waste it. He protected me. He saw how I ruined my life when I was in an abusive relationship. He never hurt me physically but the words he says will cut deep inside me. I’d rather have a visible wound than bleeding inside. He’s a good guy but he says words without thinking, he gets irritated easily, his patience towards everything is zero. He has a bad temper that everyone around him only interacts with him when they don’t have any choice, especially at work. Whatever he wants, he should get it.
My friends call him psycho. I call him my love.
In my head, he’s, definitely, a psycho.
She asked me again, have you ever been in love? Have you sacrificed something for the one you love?
I told her, yeah, I’ve loved someone before, but things didn’t work out so instead of staying in bad company, it’s better to let go. And I smiled at her and hoping she will realize that no matter how much she loves him if their relationship is not working properly, better to leave.
She smiled back and said, lucky for you, you’re strong to let go.
And I said to her, no I’m not. I just know my worth and staying with him is not worthy.
We had a good talk. We talk about the meaning of a toxic relationship which to some describe as a kind of relationship that is draining what’s left of you. And I told her, it’s like you. I said, your relationship is not healthy anymore. Though she was listening, I think she did not understand it. But I continued;
For me, letting go is hard especially when you love that person but if it’s not helping you or him, or it’s not fixing the problem, let go. Only in letting go, you will know your value. Eventually, there will be personal growth, not just you but him too if he understands the reason why the two of you had to end the relationship.
She said I’m scared to be alone.
I told her; you were born in this world alone (well, she doesn’t have a twin sibling, so she’s alone in her mother’s womb). You left your mother’s womb alone. Cry for a while just like when the doctor first held you out of your mother’s womb. Crying means you’re alive and finally free. Find your friends, talk to your family just like when you were a baby, your parents were always there to help and assist you until you’ve finally learned to talk, walk and think. Some people support you, it’s just you never see them because you are so focused on him.
I asked her, what’s the difference between a toxic and an abusive relationship?
She didn’t answer.
I’ve said, I think there is no difference at all. You were once in a relationship that physically abused you. And now, you’re in a relationship that emotionally and mentally hurt you. When will you grow? When will you love yourself? You did not give yourself the time to heal when you escape your first love, but you let someone else heals you and eventually break you. You did not fix your heart when you open it to him. You just keep on creating a wound inside you and it will not heal if you’re not going to give it time.
I told her, do not isolate yourself. Try to talk to someone else who knows about the relationship.
She said, I feel like no one understands me or I am not confident enough to share my life.
Well, I said, you dared to share it with me, you can share it with someone who has more experience than me.
Our talk continues until the sun eventually sleeps and the streetlights started to brighten the night. Then, a guy came, and I looked at him, and realize why she stays in a toxic relationship. He’s hot. Absolutely hot. But then you can feel the aura that he’s kind of airheaded but has the vibe of a psychopath. I hope she will learn something in our talk and decides on her own.