As a kid, we dream a lot of things. We wanted to be this and that someday. We always look for a brighter future, looked upon the horizon, reaching the farthest sunset with our hands. We dream of impossible things that we always thought one day we will fulfill. We never give up on it. We studied so hard, sleep with our books, buried our eyes, for us to meet and live with our dreams.
Just like every kid, I too, dream of the impossible. Until I lost the plot of my story.
I started my story with how I wanted to fulfill my dreams. I had my long list of dreams. One day, I got lost in a paragraph and I cannot continue to write another page. I went back to my first line and I couldn’t find my first word. Then I realized, my story became a blank page after making it so colorful.
I couldn’t see myself. Everything just turned into darkness. I started living away from the light. Sometimes, I am a zombie. Sometimes, I’m like a robot that needs an artificial brain, programmed to be just an option for humans. My life is like a puppet and someone is controlling its strings. I am like a ghost, wandering around without a body to live.
I lay down in my bed, close my eyes and I asked myself, what is happening with my life. I used to love everything I do. I used to be a happy kid and now I just put on a smile and think everything is okay. I used to dream a lot. I used to love myself. And hate becomes my favorite word yet I locked my demon inside me so I wouldn’t turn my life into a soulless person.
The story I had in mind was supposed to be me being a successful writer. I prepared research things and talked to a lot of people. Yet, I couldn’t see my hands writing a word or more. I couldn’t think properly. Every day is like yesterday, I keep on going back and I couldn’t move my feet to walk for tomorrow. I cannot see any future for myself. I lost my masterpiece.
I don’t know how it happens, yet I saw myself in the middle of the streets. People walk past me as if I am not there. They just keep going without looking back. Am I invisible? Why can’t they see me? I asked myself. My feet walk backward yet I am looking forward. It’s like the puppeteer wants to bring me back to my place yet I keep reaching on the horizon in front of me. I am resisting being pulled.
The sun bright so nicely when I tried to reach it with my hands, yet I couldn’t hold it. I force myself to move forward yet the puppeteer is too strong and keeps on pulling me back. Until the sun turns to black and I saw an evil eye that frightened me, and I fell down the floor.
Then suddenly, a hand grabs me back to stand up, smiled, and said,
‘watch where you walk so you won’t fall’
And she continues with her things, yet she looked back at me and wave her hands while smiling. Her smile is so warm, and I could feel that she’s living her life in the best way she can.
For a while, the puppeteer stops pulling me. I look at the girl who helped me get up, and I thought of myself, I used to be that girl, having a colorful page and a beautiful story. Then suddenly, the strings pulled me back so hard. I scream to that girl for help, yet she couldn’t hear me either the people around us. I scream so loud, but no one hears, and the strings keep on pulling me away. I tried to grab the people around me, yet everyone turns to white smoke. One from another, they turned into smoke and vanished. The last brightness turns dark. I couldn’t see anything.
The puppeteer decides to drop the strings and I tried to grab anything I could hold for my life, but I was floating into emptiness. Then, I saw a hand, out of nowhere and I grab it so tightly. I never want to let go of that hand.
I hear someone talks and she asked me,
‘Are you okay?
Do you seem lost?
Are you from here?
Do you need any help?’
I just looked at her, she’s beautiful and she smiled at me and said,
‘Is there something wrong with my face?’
I couldn’t say any words. I just stared at her and I wonder if she’s the only one who can see me as the people around us didn’t bother to look.
My feet suddenly walked backward. The puppeteer starts using its strings again and pulled me so hard I couldn’t feel any wind around. And the second girl who helped me just said goodbye and she walk in front of me without looking back. I once again saw my old self. I walked as if I own the world, never bothered with what others say about me. I just live my life to the best I can. In my mind, I whispered, I had a beautiful line of my life. The paragraph of myself was beautifully written by me and I walked with my own feet without anyone pulling me.
Then the puppeteer suddenly stops, and I bumped into another girl so hard that she falls to the ground. Instead of the girl helping me, I helped her instead. I pulled her to her feet to stand and she said,
I don’t know if she hears me, but I said ‘sorry’ and for the first time, I heard myself speak.
She smiled at me and asked,
‘why are you walking backward?’
Maybe she thinks I couldn’t understand her as she pointed in the front direction and said,
‘You were facing that direction yet you’re walking behind you.’ ‘If you want to keep moving forward, you start to walk in the right direction’,
she said and she leaves with a smile.
I stared at her for so long and I remembered my words ‘to give the night its sun to keep guiding me if I’m lost in the dark’. That’s the line I had written before I lost the plot of my story and yes, indeed, I got lost in the dark for so long. I erased my story and turned every page of my life into nothingness. I drowned myself into the world I can’t get out of. My environment affected my life so hard. Everything became so toxic that had poisoned me into the life of emptiness.
And I am supposed to end my story as
‘My name is Rin, and this is my story’,
yet I couldn’t even write a beautiful story because someone else is living my life. The puppeteer starts to pull the strings of my life again.
~ ~ ~ to be continue ~ ~ ~