A question I couldn’t answer

I joined this group in Facebook about Freelancing as I wanted to have part-time job and wants to try the freelancing world since I am currently in a work from home situation and I have a lot of time as I don’t need to wake up so early to prepare breakfast, what to wear, put my make-up on (just colorizing my eyebrows and lips, that’s what make-up means to me), have my lunch box packed with easy to cook meal and so on and on. I read their experiences as a freelance and how it changes their life. Then I went to different work platforms that offers part time job as a freelance and I realized, I never have any skills that needed in freelancing world which I wonder how they start. Most of them left their corporate jobs and freed from being a corporate slave for years.

Then, a question just popped out of nowhere and I asked when will I free myself from being a corporate slave, having a fixed schedule and never have a freedom to play with time? The only experience I have is my current job and I deal with people in which for me is very hard as humans have different personalities, different ways of dealing with life and tends to complain a lot though its normal for us to complain about things but not about everything.

I love being busy all the time. I remember when its my first months in the office, I just like doing and thinking whether this house design will be okay with the clients or not or did I follow the standards. Though, I once got my heart broken when one project in which I design was not pick by the clients as they chose someone else. I had to stay in the office until midnight just to finish it yet it was rejected but its okay, it’s a great experience for me. Hey, I am a fresh graduate, just got my license and its my first job so I need to be more active to show my skills.

Then suddenly, my position got into the ladder and I woke up being on top of the ladder that changes everything, and my previous Manager hated me so much. When you deal with houses, you don’t talk to them but if you handle and manage people, they talked back, and conflict starts. During my younger years, I struggled so much in managing people that my monster side just wants to be in the limelight which I never even knew as I am always apathetic, and I have my own world. I became a person I hated the most. I became so vocal, bossy and perfectionist that every night, I cried so much but my boss/my mentor told me that I need to be strong as I am already in the position, that I should not show any of my emotions and I need to protect the company. When you are only 25 years old and your Japanese bosses already put all their trust to you that you need to protect it, responsibilities that you never wanted but you have to accept, I wasn’t ready for that, yet I accept it without any hesitation. I was young and wanted to prove something. From being an apathetic girl to ambitious lady which exhausted the ‘me’ now and I wanted nothing of it anymore. I became what they call a corporate slave. I was and is a slave because I want to fulfill my dream and work in a Japanese company, had the chance to work in Japan, learned their work ethics, culture and language, had my heart broken by the man I always wanted to marry, and I even earned too little to support my everyday expenses.

I never even asked for a salary increase because why would I asked about it if my staff earned lesser than me and I cannot even promise them of salary increase because even if I have a position in the company, our President still the one who decides and he owns the company, so its fair that he has the right of it. My boss always say that most Japanese employees don’t ask for salary increase; it should be their boss who decides about it. I don’t know if its true for other companies, but its true in our company, you will see their face changes when you talk about salary and in all.

I never complain about my salary to anyone, only here lol, because I always think of my staff and its kinda unethical for me to complain in front of someone who earns twice or thrice lesser than me. So, I just keep it inside my heart, but I am scared it will explode one of these days.

People I hang out with outside of work know I have a position in the company, my parents know about it, my relatives know about it, the only thing they did not know is my salary because I’m too shy to tell them and if I’m going to base the position to other companies, it should be in almost three-digit numbers but my salary (I don’t want to be rude or insult anyone) is for a rank and file employee in some well established companies and I work for more than 10hrs in the office for 5-days a week (which my salary is for only an 8hr shift for 5-days a week) and I sometimes work on Saturday as one of our branches have Saturday work. I have to answer my boss or my client’s request even if its my holiday, deal with staff’s inquiry and many more. I have to make rules, deal with staff’s performance and behavior, have to protect the clients, follow what the clients wants, prioritize the clients, give way to client’s needs even if its already against the company policy, need to check any government policies for private corporations, handling more than 100 employees which most of them complain about everything and the company, hear different mouths, answer a lot of questions every day, have to explain why there is revises in the project, why I did not submit it on time, why this staff has low productivity rate and underperform, why the attendance is not good, why did you hire this employee, and long list of responsibilities will go on until I couldn’t see myself having a wonderful future. And in the end of the day, its always my fault on why there is problem inside the company. Or I just cared too much for the company to be better, but I only have two hands and never have the power to hypnotize my bosses to give the staff what they deserve.    

I slaved myself because I was too scared if I leave my job, I will have no job at all and the only experience I have is my current job and I’m already in my 30’s, usually companies hired younger ones. I postponed my master’s degree because I can’t balance my work and my studies. I decline an offer to study and live abroad because what will happen to the company if I leave. Or should I care less? Am I too soft and weak? Or just plain stupid. I can actually leave but where to go? I am not confident enough to face other challenges. And if I become jobless, my parents couldn’t afford to finance me anymore because they’re already in the age too old to work double.

Am I a corporate slave? Or I just slaved myself? I put myself behind the bars of work that for years I’m stressed, depressed and wanting to end my life. I struggled so much I ended up being poorer than when I was under my parent’s shadow. I don’t usually share my own struggles in life. I force myself to be strong because I have no tree to leaned on. I don’t think people will understand how I ran my life. In order for me to survive in this hectic life I choose, I spoiled myself to live as fancy as I can even though I am struggling with my finances because it’s the only way I could do to equate it with the position I have even though its only a job description and never a proud name.

I think I write too much and if one of my bosses or clients will read this, I think I will be forced to leave my job and I will be happy to do that, lol!

I am near to buying my own domain and have my own site soon. Cross my fingers, yeheey.

But I still don’t know how wordpress work and how to manually make it. I still need time to study it because I don’t want to waste money because I’m broke.

That’s all for today or for tonight.
See yah! This is Ringo and see you in my next post.

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